Waiting

I have been back in my own apartment since Wednesday without any dramatic changes.  However, things are leaning to a downward progression even after treatment.  It is encouraging that my blood count numbers regarding my liver and bones showed improvement, but my mobility and strength is not showing the same trend.  Overall, being at home is a vast improvement to being in the hospital.  I don't have to deal with a rotation of random nurses and techs (who were largely great with a few exceptions).  My parents have been taking great care of me and are learning how I need to be moved around without too much discomfort.  Being so dependent on others to take of my most basic needs has been hard, but my family has made it that much easier.

My current condition is both better and worse than it was two weeks ago when I got admitted.  My pain is under control after adding some other kinds of pain killers and increasing a couple others.  My legs and lower back flare up periodically, but we have found that we need to keep them moving around in different positions to remedy that pain.  The worst part is that I am essentially paralyzed from the waist down, but still able to feel pain.  I haven't gotten out of bed in over a week, and it is fairly uncertain whether or not I will be able to get in and be mobile in the wheel chair that was delivered today.  I am able to roll side to side with some difficulty and pain, but being able to sit up completely with a straight, unsupported back is a different story.  I am both anxious and scared to try the wheelchair with physical therapy.  Anxious since it would allow me to go from being stuck in bed 24/7, but scared to fail and have that door of hope close on me.  Van Tine already told me that I will probably never walk again, but any form of transport besides a paramedic's gurney would be a vast improvement.  

I have made one trip out of my apartment via ambulance since I was discharged.  This was to complete my latest round of chemo that I mentioned before.  It only consisted of two days actively receiving treatment.  The first dose went fine and without any side effects, but the second dose that I got on Friday was pretty unpleasant.  I have been throwing up all weekend, and my guts have felt like a can of worms wiggling around.  Thankfully, I have felt substantially better since this afternoon.  I've been able to keep my food down and haven't felt nearly as bloated.  Now I just need my throat to heal from the acid burn of puking at least once a day, and the creeping numbness that is advancing up my back and abdomen to stop.  The docs think an enlarged tumor is putting pressure on my spine.  We treated that area immediately with a 5 dose radiation set after discovering it via MRI.  However, I have not felt any relief from either radiation or chemo besides my pain relief, which I'm sure is at least partially due to the new pain meds.  I'm due for another chemo round of the same drugs in two weeks.  It is a fairly experimental regimen, but has worked in another of Van Tine's patients in the past.  Only time will tell whether it will work for me too.  If not, he has other drugs to throw at me, but the number of good options are dwindling as my cancer spreads and gets larger.  

Things are getting scary as all of these changes have happened in such a small amount of time.  When I was admitted this time around, I was in terrible pain, but I was still walking.  When I left, my pain was OK, but I was unable to move my legs at all.  They have also shrunk drastically in size and muscle content in a very short period of time which was surprising to see.  Besides the random bouts of pain, my legs are numb and tingly.  This sensation has been climbing up into my abdomen and lower back.  This has made mobility even worse and been hindering my almost constant GI issues.  Most importantly and scarily, the numbness has made it hard to breath at times.  It's very hard now to see a bright and sunny conclusion to my fight against cancer.  Nothing has worked against all of my tumors, and every treatment seems to only keep the progression at bay for a short amount of time.  I have read about patients who have come back from worse conditions, so there is still hope to be found.  I'm currently in a waiting game to see what will happen next.  While I wait, don't be a stranger.